My Subversive Mind Is At It Again : Discovering A New Kind Of Freedom

It’s that day again; that historic moment that will forever make its way to our youth’s school textbooks, that significant event that ended Spain’s grip on our forebears for good, that spectacular time when the Philippine flag was waved at the balcony of President Emilio Aguinaldo at Kawit, Cavite… that eternal memory etched in history that showed Filipino’s capability for bravery and unswerving patriotism… it’s Independence Day!



However, as time passes by, the former glory of the 12th of June steadily deteriorates, becoming nothing more than a generic holiday where people can rest from work, where teenagers get to hang out somewhere and stuff like that. Independence Day has become your mundane secular “Sabbath” day.

In the face of these events, president PNoy has something in mind to remind Filipinos of the wonders of Independence Day. Below is an excerpt from http://newsinfo.inquirer.net

President Benigno Aquino III wants Filipinos to be proactive and reflect on how they can contribute to the independence they now enjoy as the country celebrates its 114th Independence Day on Tuesday, Malacañang said on Saturday.

The President seem to be saying; we should go beyond greeting each other a happy independence day… It has to be an empowered Independence Day. It’s not just celebrating it and then forgetting about it the following day because it’s no longer a holiday, but we really have to live it. Everyone has to have an empowered Independence Day so we can be proactive and among ourselves think about how to keep contributing to that independence that we now enjoy,”

Oh well, that is just sweet..

The Palace has full of ideas. PNoy himself will lead the Independence Day rites at the Barasoain Church, situated at Malolos, Bulacan. It is at this Church that the First Philippine Republic was recognized.

Even the Department of Education (DepEd) is also teeming with ideas to bring more color in this celebration;

In a memorandum to all schools and DepEd offices, Education Secretary Armin Luistro directed all education personnel to “give full support, assistance and cooperation” to activities to be held between May and June in celebration of the country’s independence.

“The DepEd encourages all officials at the national, regional, division and school levels, teachers and students to actively participate in all scheduled activities,” Luistro said in Memorandum 98 issued last week.

Luistro said the Independence Day celebration aims to “re-awaken the Filipino people, especially the youth, to their responsibility and patriotic commitment to truly demonstrate the spirit of heroism, patriotism, nationalism, unity and national identity.”

Really now..

Other events include displaying the Philippine flags on schools, holding discussions about the history of June 12, 1898 and organizing activities like essay writing and public speaking, all to remind Filipinos of “the greatness of the Filipino race” through stories of sacrifice of those who fought for independence.

While the administration’s robustness to keep the people excited about this part of our history may be appreciable to an extent, it’s quite unlikely that the participants, most of which are sure to be students, are 100% willing to participate to begin with. For all we know, most of them would probably frown at the thought of having to work their butts off for a festive celebration of a day that’s so buried in history already. As to the rest, it’s likely that they’ll just shrug off the festivities and get some rest before going back to the workplace, or complain about the traffic that might ensue from the plans the government has in mind.

Now, I don’t have problems with recognizing or celebrating Independence Day, per se' (just in case you’re having ideas). However, I must point out a possible, even probable reason for my increasingly bland reception of June 12. Having to celebrate an event from the very distant past, 114 years ago to be exact, can be quite tiresome because I myself, is sadly; already so detached from it.

Of course there is the exception of hardcore patriots more than eager to get involved in the program, but the time of brave Filipinos wielding vintage rifles and wearing salakot hats is over. The time of revolutionary groups forged on nationalism like the Kataas-taasang, Kagalang-galangang Katipunan ng mga Anak ng Bayan (KKK) is over. Heck, even the colorful life of Dr. Jose Rizal, our national hero, is also over, although it is a mandatory inclusion in our educational curriculum.

The reason why a Filipino like me became more and more indifferent to this event in our history; Independence Day, is because I can relate to it less and less throughout the years. It’s becoming less and less relevant to more important matters, such as our daily lives, for example. Of course the memories encapsulated in June 12 will remain gems of our history.. of course they will be studied by future generations, but that’s it. The existence of a strong link that binds our personal lives to our rich history has been blurred to near non-existence.

Still, I wish the sincere celebrants of Independence Day the best of luck; so that they may keep the flames of history rekindled in their hearts for their sake (talk about cheesy).

These rants of mine about the sad state of the 12th of June led me to think this way: since people are so disconnected from the past, how about we bring the concept of independence to a more personal level? After all, there are lot of things our society is not free from.

How about… independence from drugs? There is a prevailing case of drug abuse in our country. We can try that. How about… independence from smoking? We can take the testimonies of smoking quitters and inspire people with their conviction. There may be more similar suggestions, but I feel that these might not be enough. There is a need for a kind of independence that’s sure to concern every Filipino from all walks of life -- even if he’s already free, on the process of being free or not free at all. Perhaps this calls for a specific concept: independence from the dysfunctions of modern Filipino culture.

How about we celebrate June 12 by declaring ourselves independent from a defunct version of Pinoy Pride, where we claim the achievements of individuals as our own, and then proclaim to the world that we are the best race, damn the others? How about we declare ourselves independent from this parasitic attitude that justifies a Filipino’s incapability to achieve something on his own by arguing that his brethren’s achievement is also his?

Indeed, I pointed this out in one of my conversations with a fellow Filipino friend of mine not too long ago:
Filipinos with a misplaced pride are no exception, for the reason that their pride is, well-- misplaced. Vain Filipinos tend to bash in the skulls of people who point out the flaws in our society, our traditional ills and our misconduct, further revealing how badly mannered a good number of our fellowmen are. Filipinos have bombarded critical thinkers with names such as “nerds,” “geeks,” and “anti-Filipino,” claiming that they’re just jealous of their achievements. I can almost hear them say:

“You’re just jealous because we’ve accomplished so much as a nation. We’re a hardworking race, and we can adapt to any environment. You all go to hell!”

I do not tell you, my dear Filipinos, to abandon your pride in what you have accomplished. I’m simply asking you to put your pride within the context of the situation, for if we look in the bigger picture of things, our individual and collective accomplishments have yet to live up to our vain fantasies.

How about we celebrate Independence Day by declaring ourselves independent from aversion to intellectuals? A social cancer that was discovered by Rizal remains alive today, continuously dividing the laymen from those considered as intellectuals, like the sad scenario between Pilosopo Tasyo and the townspeople in Rizal’s Noli Me Tangere.

Instead, we laud the charisma of our celebrities, their curious ability to dish out some drama and captivate the Filipino audience into putting them in the intellectual pedestal to our own detriment. Just ask Philippine politics.

We Filipino's willingly subjugate ourselves to the influence of these famous figures, blindly following them around and fastidiously clinging to their promises, without analyzing whether they can really achieve this, given the very little fact that they’re not really politicians in the first place. I think my cousin Anton Hernadez would agree with me about that ;) Because he himself is disgusted with showbiz people in politics.

Lastly, how about we celebrate Independence Day by declaring ourselves independent from Yellow politics altogether? For more than two decades, the Yellow culture stemming from the historic EDSA I revolution spearheaded by former President Corazon Aquino has permeated the Filipino personage, producing the masses who are so enamored with the current administration, despite several in-your-face atrocities committed by our esteemed president, Benigno Simeon “Noynoy” Aquino III, including the vindictive impeachment trial of ex-Chief Justice Renato Corona (which is generously explained by several articles in this website), his refusal to sign the bank secrecy waiver despite his campaign promise, and his penchant for being a chatterbox. Isn’t it time for us to start freeing ourselves from this suffocating display of thick-faced hubris? After all this time, shouldn’t we start working our way towards our freedom from the politics of the oligarchy?

Of course, there will be more concepts of independence that may be brought up in the future, but the way I see it, these independences seem most prominent, most relevant, and most pressing. After all, pretty much all of us stood and still stand witness to these prisons: the prison of vanity, the intellectual prison, and what seems to be the biggest prison of our lives; Philippine politics.

Celebrating a personal Independence Day will not warrant a festive aura, or little flags dangling across your community, or organized writing contests, or even a play re-enacting the bravery of our history’s heroes, but at least it will be more personal to each and every one of us. At least, we will be able to relate to such kind of independence, since we worked our way to it ourselves. In a more cynical note, yes, and it will save money.

The way I see it, the best way for us to truly establish a culture of independence, is for us to be independent from the errors of our own culture.

Why Do You Inspire So Much Hate, Apple?

Apple Worldwide Developers Conference starts Monday. As with any such event that involves Apple announcing new products, the global outpouring of love will be matched by a rising outpouring of hate.

Some people hate Apple. Other people hate people who hate Apple. Many of these haters have turned pro, leading to a lucrative “hater industrial complex.”

I know, because I’ve been the target of hate from both sides. I’m on the hate list of both the most extreme anti-Apple haters and pro-Apple haters.

Passion in technology, flame-wars, fanboyism and its discontents are nothing new. But in the past couple of years, something new has happened: The loudest, most insistent hate is now coming from the anti-Apple crowd, rather than the pro-Apple people.

I’ll tell you why below.

Also, it needs to be said: Haters are rare. The vast majority of users — and the vast majority of bona fide fans — don’t fall into the “hater” category. But haters appear to be everywhere because they’re active and vocal, and their rants memorable.

But first, let’s understand once and for all who hates, how they hate, and why.

There’s No Hater Like a Pro-Apple Hater

For decades, the most vocal, active and vicious haters were Apple fans. Apple fanboyism used to be about computers, and Apple systems have always been in the minority.

The main rival and object of Apple-fan derision, Microsoft, Windows and Windows users, had the luxury of remaining more aloof in the platform wars because Windows’ dominance was so absolute, or appeared to be.

To the Apple fan, there was so much to mock and deride about Windows and its apologists that a market, of sorts, emerged for anti-Windows rants. As a result of this demand, a career path was born: The professional fanboy troll hater. Reading these obsessive, detailed and often apoplectic attack pieces became a kind of entertainment for Apple fans.

Professional pro-Apple trolls make their living seeking out criticism of Apple and Apple products, and nit-picking every word to death. A typical counter-argument will literally post an article sentence-by-sentence, with long-winded argument leveled against every word.

The trolls make their living with blogs and even otherwise respectable publications by pushing the facts to an extreme, and combining personal attacks with mockery to excite emotion in the reader.

The reason this works economically is that the emotion and controversy is a win-win. When they attack you, a non-response is a win for the troll. They win the argument by forfeiture. Their readers see the attack, but not the rebuttal. They encounter the object of that attack exclusively through the context set up by the troll, so even the criticized article is presented in a way that routes around objective judgement.

But if you defend yourself or attack them back, that’s an even bigger win for the troll, because it drives traffic to their sites and posts and helps them build their “brand” and name recognition.

This is the same dynamic that has fueled the rise in obnoxious political talk radio and cable TV, and has ruined political discourse in the United States. Hate-filled, personal attack rants have a better “meme” quality than reasoned discourse. So the haters win.

Another curious anomaly in the pro-Apple hater racket is that they operate on a blacklist system. Once you’ve crossed Apple in any way ever, you’re on the blacklist and can never get off. (Not coincidentally, this is the case with Apple itself. Ask any journalist who can’t get an invitation to any Apple event.)

In just a few years, my entry on the professional pro-Apple troll hater blacklist will exceed the lifespan of Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini’s fatwa against Salman Rushdie.

Sometimes I write things that are so pro-Apple and heavily talked about that the professional pro-Apple trolls are forced to acknowledge the existence of these articles. But they often do so in the context of the blacklist, saying things like my having the correct opinion was a “fluke” or “accidental.” Or they say my objectivity is evidence of dishonesty.

Pro-Apple haters are really like no other in both scope, magnitude and longevity. And they used to corner the market. But no more.

Rise of the Anti-Apple hater

When Steve Jobs returned to Apple in the late nineties, and led the company’s absolutely brilliant program for the transformation of content consumption (iPod and, later, iOS products), changing market conditions began a shift in the relationship between Apple, it’s fans and the hater industrial complex.

In a nutshell, Apple has evolved from “our” company to “everybody’s” company in the minds of Apple fanboys.

Yes, OS X systems are still a minority, with most computers in the world still running Windows. But focus has shifted from PCs to mobile, and in mobile, Apple is no underdog.

The iPhone in particular is a totally mainstream product. And the iPad invented and now dominates its category like no other product in the history of consumer electronics. So the edge has been taken off some of the pro-Apple hate. But it’s added something to the anti-Apple hate camp.

Why? Because if you believe (as the anti-Apple haters do) that Apple steals other people’s ideas, doesn’t invent anything, succeeds only through pretty hardware and manipulative marketing, then Apple’s success is undeserved — a wrong that must be set right.

Every news cycle brings with it more undeserved praise. Apple is the most valuable company in the world. Steve Jobs was the greatest CEO of the decade. iPhone makes more profit than all other phone makers combined. Judge sides with Apple in patent dispute.

These facts rankle anti-Apple haters like Windows’ success used to rankle Mac fans.

Three other reasons for the rise of anti-Apple hate start with “G” and end with “oogle.”

You would think that Google’s entry into the mobile platform business would drive more pro-Apple hate than anti-Apple hate, but you’d be wrong.

Android is in every way an alternative to iOS. First, Android phones and tablets are an alternative to iPhones and iPads at the point of purchase (unless you’re in an Apple store). Second, they’re theoretical opposites, with the iOS owned and controlled by the hardware maker, and Android an open system where hardware makers don’t even need to send Google an email before basing an entire product line around it.

Android has gathered some serious fans. No, not the I’m-familiar-with-it-and-therefore-it’s-good variety of fans that Windows engenders, but serious, passionate affinity of the kind that Apple motivates.

Needless to say, Android fans tend to really hate Apple and, by extension, Apple products, Apple users, Apple Stores, Apple ads, Apple everything.

Second, Apple is polarizing the community with its “thermonuclear war” against Google as a reaction against Android. Apple is dropping Google products one-by-one from shipping iOS devices. It’s working with Twitter and Facebook very closely to oppose Google+ and Google. Apple is suing every Google partner it can over mobile patents.

And, third, Google+, which isn’t even a year old yet, has emerged as a hotbed of Android love and iOS hate. If you can imagine the degree of Apple advocacy that would exist on an Apple-created alternative to Facebook, then you can imagine how the Google+ community talks about Android.

I post a lot of items on Google+ that praise or appear to praise Apple or Apple products in one way or another. As a result, I’ve been blocked, criticized, called a pathetic Apple fanboy. I’ve been accused of taking money from Apple for my opinions, and worse.

While many of my pro-Android posts go sailing straight to the Google+ “What’s Hot” list — essentially “voted up” by the community via Plus-ones, Shares and Comments — most of my pro-iOS posts tend to languish in obscurity, ignored or dismissed by the Google+ community.

Another contributor to the rise in anti-Apple hate is the decline and fall of Microsoft Windows. The operating system is still on top, theoretically. But two trends are hammering away at it. First, there’s a general shift from desktop computing, where Windows rules, to mobile computing, where iOS and Android rule.

Second, even on desktop and laptop computing, there’s a serious chipping away by Apple at Microsoft’s lead. Apple has been on the rise for years, and Microsoft on the decline.

This trend has freaked out some Windows fans, and cause them to step up their anti-Apple language online.

And finally, the Linux and open systems advocates have reason to attack Apple. With Apple’s rise and dominance of the mobile market, at least from a profits and revenue perspective if not from a market share one, the expected Open Systems Age of Aquarius that they believed in looks less and less likely every year. So they’re turning up the heat on Apple as well.

Why So Much Hate?

The thing to understand about the kind of hate Apple inspires, both in favor and against Apple, is that it’s not unique. The exact same phenomenon occurs in politics, religion and many other areas of human culture.

First and foremost, it’s about identity. Our computers, tablets and phones literally become part of us — our minds use them as peripheral memory, and we off-load processing to them from our brains. They see things, hear things and find things for us. They give us super-human powers of awareness, knowledge, communication and more.

Because we identify with these products, an attack on them can feel like an attack on us.

And as with politics or religion, one’s opinions are often inescapable within the context in which one views the world.

For example, there’s a strong correlation in politics between advocacy for gun control and whether one lives in an urban or rural area. To city slickers, guns represent criminality and violence. To country folks, they represent survival and protection. Not always, but usually. The point is that context determines and almost dictates your opinions about things.

Likewise, there are contexts for using consumer electronics. Some people view them as “computers,” boxes filled with technologies that function as all-purpose tool-boxes for the curious tinkerer. Others view them as “appliances” that are to be judged on the degree to which they “just work” without problems or glitches.

If your context for consumer electronics is the former, you’ll hate Apple. If the latter, you’ll love Apple. Not always, but usually.

The facts are so clear from within one’s context that anyone who denies them can only be 1) stupid; 2) evil; 3) corrupt; 4) gullible; or 5) all of the above.

These are categories for all pro-Apple and anti-Apple hater attacks. And they exist because combatants view consumer electronics in distinct contexts.

People tend to be blind to bad things they’re familiar with, but overly critical of bad things they’re less familiar with. This is the source of nationalism, for example.

Most people think their own country is better than others. Since all countries can’t be objectively “better” than all other countries, nationalism is only possible by the inflated importance of good things about your own country, and a diminished importance of the bad things.

As people explore their platforms of choice, over time they find themselves impressed and thrilled by this feature or that decision by the company that makes the product. When they encounter the opposite in a competing product, they feel compelled to lash out at the transgression. Meanwhile, people become accustomed to the frustrations and design flaws in the computing platforms they use every day. This creates bias.

There’s also a sense of injustice that drives hate.

Apple fans see injustice in competing products clearly copying the look and feel of Apple products, from phone interfaces to handset design to ultra-slim laptops to all-in-one PCs. They see injustice in the Windows monopoly. They see injustice in everyone copying the app store concept, and in Microsoft copying the Apple Store concept.

Apple haters see injustice in Apple’s runaway success. They see injustice in iPhones being more-or-less comparable with or inferior to many Android phones, yet Apple gets most of the mobile phone profits? They see injustice in Apple taking credit for introducing technologies that already existed in competitive products. And they see injustice in Apple being rewarded for what they see as a controlling model for apps.

Perceived injustice instills a sense of mission to right the wrongs. And this brings out the hate speech.

Another source of hatred on both sides is Apple’s history of powerful advertising, which polarizes.

One example: Apple’s “Think Different” campaign. (You know, “here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels”…) To Apple and Apple fans, the message of this campaign was “Apple products are designed for creativity, not just productivity.”

To people who had decided to use non-Apple system, the message was: “People who use Apple products are better and smarter people. People who don’t use Apple products are unsophisticated idiot goobers.” It felt like a personal attack.

Likewise with the “I’m a Mac, I’m a PC” campaign. Apple literally depicted what kind of person would use Windows, and what kind would use Mac. To pro-Apple fans, the ads highlighted in a funny way what they agreed were the flaws of Windows and PCs, and the benefits of Macs. But to non-Apple users, the message was clear: “Windows users are overweight, clueless, desperate, uncharismatic, unscrupulous, unattractive losers.” It made them wanna holler and they did, ergo: hate comments.

Stated another way, the history of Apple marketing has gone beyond a message that Apple products are better products. It conveyed that Apple people are better people.

Where’s the Love?

So where does the hate really come from? Ultimately, it comes from love.

Love and hate are not opposites. The opposite of love and hate is indifference.

You don’t see serious flame wars and hate around, say, the Symbian platform, or around companies like HP or Oracle. And that’s because nobody loves them. And if nobody loves them, nobody is going to hate them.

People love Apple products. People love Google products. And, yes, people even love Microsoft products. People also love Linux and open systems.

And all this love engenders passion. And passion drives hate. And that’s why Apple inspires so much of it.

Best Quotes by Calvin and Hobbes

The perfect sentence is one from which nothing can be added or removed. Every word plays its part. In my more giddy moments I think that a simple comic strip featuring Calvin, a preternaturally bright six year-old, and Hobbes, his imaginary tiger friend, features some of the most lucid sentences committed to print. And when I sober up, I usually think exactly the same.

I think its about time I pay tribute to them by writing this entry. I have to admit, I'm a big fan. I basically grew up with Calvin and Hobbes, a comic strip back in the days that ran between 1985 and 1995. This comic managed to infuse wondering (and wandering) on a cosmic scale into an ageless world of lazy Sunday afternoons, snow goons, and life-bored youths like me. I’m not saying that you should take moral and philosophical guidance from the inventor of Calvinball (a game that runs on chaos theory), but you could do much worse.

So here, in no particular order, is a selection of quotes that nail everything from the meaning of life to special underwear. Enjoy.

On life’s constant little limitations

Calvin: You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don’t help.

On expectations

Calvin: Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

On why we are scared of the dark

Calvin: I think night time is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.

On the unspoken truth behind the education system

Calvin: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You’ve taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.

On the cruel reality of commercial art

Hobbes: Van Gogh would’ve sold more than one painting if he’d put tigers in them.

On the tragedy of hipsters

Calvin: The world bores you when you’re cool.

On the tears of a clown

Calvin: Isn’t it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humour? When you think about it, it’s weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it’s funny. Don’t you think it’s odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?

Hobbes: I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.

Calvin: (after a long pause) I can’t tell if that’s funny or really scary.

On the falling of sparrows (or providence’s lack of a timetable)

Calvin: Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.

On the gaping hole in contemporary art’s soul

Calvin: People always make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. But really, art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. As my artist’s statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance.

On playing Frankenstein with words

Calvin: Verbing weirds language.

On realising God is more Woody Allen than Michael Bay

Calvin: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.

Hobbes: Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.

Calvin: We need more special effects and dance numbers.

On why ET is real

Calvin: Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

On looking yourself in the mirror

Hobbes: So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they’re already met?

On the future

Calvin: Trick or treat!

Adult: Where’s your costume? What are you supposed to be?

Calvin: I’m yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you’re old and weak. Am I scary, or what?

On the truth

Calvin: It’s a magical world, Hobbes, ol’ buddy…Let’s go exploring!


Have a nice week ahead y'all! :D

Bad Ass Of The Week (The Rise Of Lapu-Lapu)

While all of us is busy sporting our Nike Team Pacquiao, Three Stars and A Sun, being all too proud to be Pinoy t-shirts; I think aside from Jose Rizal, Manny Pacquiao, Francis M., Andres Bonifacio, Apolinario Mabini and all great Filipino's that sparked and ignited the patriotatism in us all, thought i blog about and give y'all a refresher on Philippine history and a least remembered hero, I'm talkin' about the super-dooper-ultra-mega-to-the-max-gold-standard-of-Filipino ass-kicking ; Rajah Lapu-Lapu!

When you’re talking about bad-ass, super hardcore martial arts practiced by people who have absolutely no fear of severe bodily harm, multiple broken bones or getting knocked in the face with a powerful instrument of blunted death you could do a lot worse than Filipino Stick Fighting. If you’ve never watched Eskrima or Kali practitioners go at it before, you are really missing out on some ultimate epic ass-kickings. Basically, the sports involves two balls-out motherf**k*rs standing across from each other on a dojo floor, wailing on each other with unforgiving bamboo sticks until someone either dies or suffers so many hairline bone fractures that they can no longer physically stand up anymore. The last dude standing is declared the winner & nsbp ; or something like that :D

In the West, the Filipino martial arts aren’t considered as “sexy” as some of the Chinese and Japanese fighting styles, and many people don’t realize that the Philippines has a rich history of bashing motherf**k*rs in the goddamn face with a matching set of hand-carved wooden bludgeons. Even the almighty Bruce Lee himself trained under some of Eskrima’s Grand Masters, and incorporated aspects of their fighting style into Jeet Kune Do. You know that scene in Enter the Dragon when Bruce is in that cave and he’s using those two sticks to beat the hell out of like eight hundred dudes? That’s effing' Eskrima, people! a time-honored tradition of bashing in skulls and dishing out ass-kickings that traces its roots all the way back to the 16th century and a native Visayan chieftain named Lapu-Lapu, a tribal leader who became the first Filipino to defend his homeland against foreign invasion.

There isn’t a written record of what Lapu-Lapu was up to prior to the year 1521, but by all accounts his life revolved around two things – kicking asses and taking names. According to legend, Lapu-Lapu’s father was a big-time Level 15 Chieftain on Mactan Island who was pretty much an unstoppable killing machine, thanks in no small part to an awesome magical Amulet of Strength +5 that did double-damage against Goblins, Orcs, and Uruk-Hai's. Well one day a pirate from the nearby island of Cebu asked the Chief if he could borrow the amulet, because some mumu's from the Underdark had kidnapped the pirate’s girlfriend and he needed to launch a serious raid to get her back. The Chief, who was apparently oblivious to the fact that you can’t trust anything that a goddamn pirate says, coughed up the amulet and (not surprisingly) never heard from the pirate again. From that time on the Mactan tribe and the Cebu tribe spent most of their free time ballknocking the crap out of each other with bamboo rods and hurling insults at one another like a pair of mudslinging politicians rampaging along the campaign trail. Lapu-Lapu rose to power amidst this heated rivalry, and like any good bad-ass warlord he decided he was going to ratchet the Violence-o-Meter up to the next level. He instituted a strict training regimen for his tribesmen, taught his warriors the art of Eskrima and Kali, and had his troops fight insane one-on-one Soulcalibur-style sparring duels with wooden sticks to help increase their fighting ability, pump up their strength and conditioning, and improve their ability to be bludgeoned about the head and neck in a furious manner without dying or having a seizure or some shit.It was in the Year of Our Lord Fifteen Hundred and Twenty-One that Lapu-Lapu and his warriors would face their greatest test.

On 14 April a European explorer named Ferdinand Magellan landed his fleet on the shores of Cebu Island with the intention of wreaking havoc like the Tazmanian Devil at a Sotheby’s auction. The Spanish and Portuguese sailors were well-received by the Cebu tribe, and in a short period of time Magellan was able to convert many of the natives over to Catholicism, convincing them that since the greatest Catholic ruler on Earth was the King of Spain, all native Filipinos should just bend over and submit to the will of the Spanish Crown. The Cebu Chieftain was pronounced a “servant of God and Spain”, and anyone who didn’t want to accept all of the Roman Church in all of its Popey Goodness was declared a heathen infidel deserving only painful death and suffering. The Cebu Chieftain, seeing an opportunity to take this ultra-modern army of hardcore Spanish soldiers and utilize them for his own nefarious purposes, immediately said something along the lines of, “well… speaking of heathen infidels, there’s this dude on Mactan Island named Lapu-Lapu, and he’s actually a Muslim…”Magellan, eager to cement the Philippines’ subservience and loyalty to the Spanish King, did what every good Conquistador did to the indigenous populations of the islands and civilizations they visited – he mobilized his armies and prepared to burn some villages, plunder everything that wasn’t nailed down, slaughter anyone he could get his hands on, and either convert the survivors to Christianity or sell them into slavery. On 27 April 1521, Magellan and his crew landed on Mactan Island, eager to show the savage barbarian natives what it was like to be f**k*d in the ass by a civilized European Superpower.

Being a devout Muslim, Lapu-Lapu wasn’t in the mood to hear about any Jeebuses, and he certainly wasn’t going to sit back and let a bunch of smallpox-carrying non-M41 Pulse Rifle-toting Colonial Marines stamp his balls into dust and carry of the women of his sizeable harem, so he mobilized a large force of the most bad-assed warriors he could find and prepared to give the Conquistadors a wooden-plank ass-kicking that would make them wish they were back in Catholic school getting their knuckles bloodied by angry nuns. His men got their best bamboo spears, fighting sticks, stones, arrows, and swords and prepared to turn back the invaders.

The only surviving account of the Battle of Mactan comes from one of the dudes who was in the Spanish raiding party (and this guy had a total stiffy for Magellan so his account is probably pretty biased in favor of his countrymen), but it’s better than nothing. According to the tale, Magellan had originally planned to make a landing and use his ships’ cannons to serve as artillery backup in the battle, but when the fleet got close to the island they learned that there was a large reef that was preventing the Spanish ships from getting close enough to the shore for any kind of coastal bombardment. Magellan didn’t bother to find a new point of attack, and instead took somewhere between 50-60 men and marched through thigh-deep waters towards the shore, where he met up with a large force of several hundred pissed off Filipino martial artists.

The Conquistadors didn’t give a shit though, and immediately opened fire on the natives with their muskets and crossbows and started yelling insults about their enemies’ virility.Often times, much is made of the bravery of a small group of soldiers battling against a much larger force of savages, and how noble these men are for standing up against impossible odds, but consider this battle from the perspective of the Filipino warriors and Lapu-Lapu. First off, you’re standing on the beach, facing white-skinned men that don’t look like any people you’ve ever seen before. You’ve a bamboo stick and a flimsy wooden shield, while the enemy is wearing heavy steel breastplates and helmets that are strong enough to deflect any arrows or rocks that you or any of your companions launch at them. Oh, and they also have firearms and crossbows that are much more advanced and powerful than anything you’d ever thought possible. Your orders are to charge across a beach and fight these guys in hand-to-hand combat, which had to be the 16th Century equivalent of fistfighting a company of goddamned ray-gun toting space aliens or some shit, but these guys didn’t even give a crap.

At first, Magellan’s men used their muskets and crossbows to keep Lapu-Lapu’s warriors at bay, but when he saw that the natives weren’t breaking ranks and running screaming into the jungle like a bunch of pussies just because the Spanish set off some black powder, Magellan decided he needed to step up his display of technological superiority and consummate dickheaditude (now, that's a new word). He had a couple of his men set fire to a nearby village, burning it to the ground with torches and flamethrowers. As you can imagine, this really only succeeded in making the Filipinos even more totally rip-shit pissed off, and Lapu-Lapu ordered a full-scale balls-to-the-wall charge on the Conquistadors’ position. As the horde of screaming warriors was closing in on the Spanish invaders, Lapu-Lapu ordered his archers to launch one final volley of arrows at the Europeans – only this time he instructed his men to aim not for the heavily armored torsos and heads of their enemy, but at their unarmored legs. Several Spanish soldiers were hit in the thighs and calves, and the crippled men were quickly pummeled to death by Lapu-Lapu’s rampaging stick fighters. Lapu-Lapu himself is credited with delivering the kill shot on Ferdinand Magellan, as the chieftain cut the Explorer down with a single blow of his giant-ass two-handed scimitar. The Spanish invasion force was completely over-run by the tribal warriors, who beat the crap out of anyone they could find, and the surviving troops ran off as quickly as their sails would carry them.


A few days later the Spanish fleet asked Lapu-Lapu to return the remains of their fallen commander, but none could be found. The conquering invader had been beaten into a bloody smear that was carried away by the tides.

Lapu-Lapu is the national hero of the Philippines, and he stands today as one of the few tribal leaders who stood up to the European explorers and Conquistadors and emerged victorious. He trained his men in badass martial arts, he didn’t back down from a technologically superior force, and he didn’t take crap from anyone. Today, there’s a city named in his honor, countless statues of him exist across Mactan Island, and the whole of Philippines. The local Cebuano's even have a drink named after him – it’s one shot of dark rum, one shot of Bacardi 151, and one shot of sour mix with ice, orange juice and pineapple juice – guaranteed to kick your ass, just like the man it’s named after.So i hope after reading this, if you're a true-blue Filipino who is truly proud of our heritage, please take some time to remember this great Filipino warrior who stood up and fight for us and our country.

Truly, our national anthems really hails hero's like him;"aming ligaya na pag may nang-aapi, ang mamatay ng dahil sa'yo." ["but it is glory ever, when thou art wronged, for us, thy sons; to suffer and die."]













Magellan : "Oh Shit, WTF?!

Bad Ass Of The Week : Nikola Tesla (The Greatest Geek That Ever Lived)

I will compose this entry as simple and comic for the benefit of my two sons Victor Paulo and Juan Miguel, so that they can digest easily as to why "Nikola Tesla is the greatest geek in the whole wide world?."

Geeks stay up all night disassembling the world so that they can put it back together with new features. They tinker and fix things that aren't broken. Geeks abandon the world around them because they're busy soldering together a new one. They obsess, and in many cases, they suffer.

Over a hundred years ago, a Serbian-American inventor by the name of Nikola Tesla started fixing things that weren't broken. In a time when the majority of the world was still lit by candle power, an electrical system known as Alternating Current was invented and to this day is what powers every home on the planet. Who do we think for this invention that ushered humanity into a second industrial revolution? NIKOLA TESLA :)

You might say; "I thought Thomas Edison was the father of the electric age." Nope. It was Tesla.

When most people think of Thomas Edison, they think of the man who invented the light bulb. (Well, that's what I thought so too) Edison did not invent the light bulb; he improved upon the ideas of 22 other men who pioneered the light bulb before him. Edison simply figured out how to sell the light bulb. Tesla actually worked for Edison earlier in his career. Edison offered to pay him the modern equivalent of a million dollars to fix the problems he was having with his DC generators and motors. Tesla fixed Edison's problems and when he asked for the money he was promised, Edison laughed him off and had this to say: "Tesla, you don't understand our American humor."

Edison is a good example of a non-geek who operated in a geek space...

He believed the value of his inventions could be gauged by how much money they made. He was neither a mathematician nor a scientist -- he believed he could just hire people to do that for him. Edison was not a geek, he was a CEO.

Tesla was known for discovering amazing things and then forgetting to write them down. Edison was known for rushing to the patent office as soon as one of his employees had something. After falling out with Edison, Tesla worked on his Alternating Current electrical system. This ignited a feud with Edison. who at that time was trying to sell the world his Direct Current system. Edison's DC system required a power plant every square mile and couldn't transmit electricity very far. AC uses thinner wires, had higher voltages and could transmit electricity over long distances.

So what did Edison do?

Families living around Edison's laboratory began to notice that their pets were disappearing. This was because Edison had been paying schoolboys twenty-five cents a head for live dogs and cats. He then puts these cats and dogs on display and publicly electrocuted them using Tesla's Alternating Current. (The goal was to publicly smear Tesla's AC and convince the public that it was dangerous for home use. ) In short, the only thing Edison truly pioneered was "Douchebaggery"

Have y'all heard of a man by the name of "Marconi?" He won a Nobel Prize in Physics for inventing radio

did you know that everything he did was based on works previously done by Tesla? After Marconi became world-famous for sending the first trans-atlantic message, this was tesla's response: "Marconi is a good fellow. Let him continue. He is using seventeen of my patents."

Basically, Tesla = Nicest. Inventor. EVER

Ever heard of RADAR? a.k.a. that awesome technology that lets us detect objects like cruise missiles and latte'-sipping-SUV-driving imbicles who do 85 in a 45. An English scientist by the name of Robert A. Watson-Watts was credited by the the invention of radar in 1935.

Can you guess who came up with the idea in 1917? ..18 years before Watson-Watt? Nikola Tesla ;)

He pitched it to the US Navy at the beginning of World War 1 when the world was getting its butthole forcibly imploded by German U-Boats. UNFORTUNATELY, Thomas Edison was the head of R&D for the US Navy at that time and he managed to convince them that it had no practical application in war. NICE JOB EDISON! YOU BLOATED MISGUIDED ASS. I HOPE A NAZI TORPEDO HIT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN RIGHT IN THE MOUTH.

Wilhelm Rontgen is typically credited as the discoverer of X-Rays. Can you guess the moustache-donning inventor who beat him to it and got basically ZERO credit? >Nikola Goddamn Tesla<

also, when X-Rays were initially discovered it was believed that it could cure blindness and other ailments.
Tesla warned that x-rays could be dangerous and refuse to conduct any medical experiments with it. Edison, without skipping a beat when the opportunity to be awful presented itself, got to work right away on human trials in x-ray experimentations. One of his employees; Clarence Dally, was exposed to so much radiation that his arms had to be amputated to save his life. It didn't work though, and eventually he died from mediastinal cancer. Dally is considered to be the first American to die from experimentation with radiation -- FINALLY, Edison invents something original!

In addition to killing his assistant, Edison nearly blinded himself by repeatedly firing x-rays at his own eyes. When asked about x-rays later on, this was Edison's reply;

"Don't talk to me about x-rays, I'm afraid of them." Thomas Edison 1903

Fucking Idiot.

*Ever wonder who build the first hydro electric plant at Niagara Falls and proved to the world that this type of power was a practical energy source? Nikola Tesla :)

*Who was experimenting with Cryogenic Engineering nearly half a century before its invention? Tesla :)

*Who held patents over a hundred years ago that were later used in the development of transistors? The Transistor is the device which makes the information age possible so that you can refresh your Facebook page and download donkey porn and whatnot. Tesla ;)

*Who was the first person to record radio waves from outer space? (inadvertently making himself the father of radio astronomy) Tesla :)

*Who discovered the resonant frequency of the Earth? Tesla ;)
(this is something scientist couldn't confirm until 50years later when technology had caught up to what Tesla's amazeballs brain figured out in the 1890's)

*Who built an Earthquake Machine that nearly demolished an entire neighborhood in New York City when it was turned on? Tesla :)

*Ever heard of Ball Lightning? It’s a lightning that appears in a form of a sphere and travels slowly while hovering a few feet above the ground. It’s an extremely rare phenomenon and even today, no scientists have ever successfully produced it in a laboratory. Oh, except Tesla did it back in the 1890's :)

(nope. this. is. not. Lightning Ball.)

*Ever wondered who invented Remote Control? Tesla :)

*Neon Lighting? Tesla ;)

*The modern Electric Motor? Tesla ;)

*Wireless Communications? Tesla :)

You know how when you need electricity for your home and it simply rains down from the Earth’s ionosphere and charge everything wirelessly? Oh, right that was something Tesla invented but didn't share with the world probably because he was afraid of uninspired jackasses stealing his patents.

Without question, Tesla was a genius. He spoke eight languages : Serbian, English, Czech, French, German, Hungarian, Italian and Latin. (most of us speak one or two language (and poorly at that) He could memorize entire books and recite them at will (most of us can’t even remember our passwords) He could visualize devices entirely in his head and then built them without ever writing anything down. (most of us only spend time visualizing things like naked women and greasy sandwiches)

And even more impressive, the man lived to be 86 and was celibate all his entire life. Despite being 6'6 (200cm) tall in the 1890's and mega popular with the ladies, Tesla refuses to date as he believes it would interfere with his work. (well, I sure hope he's not gay)

So with his incredible mind and all his inventions behind him, Tesla should have been rich and famous, right? Unfortunately, no. Tesla lived in a time when the world demanded results that were practical and profitable. We didn't want radio astronomy, we wanted electric bulbs and oven toasters. Tesla's contributions were not incremental; they were revolutionary.

One of Tesla's final gift to the world was a tower near New York City that would have provided free wireless energy to the entire planet. The man who financed the construction of the tower shut it down when he realized that there won’t be no way to regulate the energy and therefore it wouldn't make money.

This acquisitiveness and greed plagued most of Tesla's career, and he spent the majority of it being broke. In addition Tesla suffered from a disorder we now commonly refer to as "being batshit insane" Tesla hallucinated and often had a hard time differentiating between reality and his imagination., which is why he spent years alone working in his laboratory day and night. (He often said that the only time he was truly happy is when he is cooped up in his lab)

Tesla died broke and alone in a NYC hotel room. he'd been living on milk and Nabisco crackers, and in one of his final interviews he revealed something of a very personal nature;

"I have been feeding pigeons, thousands of them, for years. but there was one pigeon, a beautiful bird, pure white with grey tips on its wings; that one was different. It was a female. I would know that pigeon anywhere. No matter where I was, that pigeon would find me, when I wanted her I had only to wish and call her she would come flying to me. She understood me and I understood her.

I loved that pigeon.

Yes, I loved her as a man loves a woman, and she loved me.

As I look at her, I knew she wanted to tell me -- she was dying. And then, as I got her message, there came a light from her eyes -- powerful beams of light."

Living on crackers and talking to an imaginary laser pigeon?! .. that was Tesla's reward for all the things he gave to humanity?!

Dear Nikola Tesla,

I'm sorry. I'm so very very sorry. YOU were a man displaced in time; an Archimedes, Steve Wozniak, Tony Stark of the 19th century. You were the greatest geek that ever lived (in a time when the human race was crappier than usual) there are not enough nouns in the English language to append to the word "douche" when describing Thomas Edison but I will try anyway:

Douchebucket. Douchebagel. Douchebuffalo. Douchemouth. Douchesplosion. Douchethunder. Doucheface. Quarterpunder with douche. Douchepickle. Mixed greens with douche vinaigrette. RaisinBallsDoucheSkull.

Next month, July 10th is Nikola Tesla Day, I will try my best to edit Wikipedia in your honor.

On behalf of those obsess, tinker and fix things that aren't broken -- consider it my way of saying:

THANK YOU! NIKOLA TESLA.



Additional notes:

If you want to learn more about Tesla, I highly recommend reading Tesla: Man Out of Time

There's an old movie from the 80s on Netflix Instant Queue right now about Tesla: The Secret of Nikola Tesla. It's corny and full of bad acting, but it paints a fairly accurate depiction of his life.

The Drunk History of Tesla is quite awesome, too.

X-rays: just to clarify, Tesla did not discover x-rays, but he was one of the early pioneers in its research.

Cryogenic engineering: I'm referring to the cryogenic engineering that has to do with using liquefied air to cool a coil and reduce its electrical resistance, not freezing people and waking them up in the future so they can fight Wesley Snipes ;)

Radio: Tesla was the nicest geek ever until he decided to sue Marconi a few years later. 8 months after Tesla died, the U.S. Supreme Court overturned Marconi's patents on the invention of radio. So Tesla eventually won that battle, although he was dead by then.

Tesla VS. Edison: I could write a novel on the differences between Tesla and Edison, but seeing as how this entry is already huge, I decided to leave many things out. For instance, Edison killed cats and dogs, but Tesla loved animals and had a cat as a child. Originally Tesla wanted to be a poet, but after getting zapped by static electricity from his kitty he was inspired to study the effects of electricity. One could vaguely construe that Tesla's cat was responsible for the second industrial revolution, which arguably makes it the most awesome cat who ever lived.

Edison believed that fossil fuels were the future and that there were enough resources in South America to provide for the next 50,000 years. Tesla believed that renewable energy sources like hydroelectric, solar, and wind power were the future. This is remarkable because in the 1890s there was no such thing as "going green," so Tesla's ideas on conservation were very forward-thinking at the time.

P.S. : I did mention that Tesla was celibate for 86 years, Edison married a sixteen year old girl
P.P.S. : this is the last time I'm going to bitch about Edison, I swear

Lastly, a "big thank you" Wikipedia and Google for proofreading this blog entry for me. If you want to learn things from the most awesome librarian and search engine this side of the planet, feel free to visit them.