This is my experience on the 3 stages of pain.
ON RECOGNIZING PAIN:
I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Since then, I’ve been seeing 2 therapists on a regular basis, and take 5 different types of medication to get me through the day and night. This has been going on for almost 2 months and it’s only now that my depression has taken another turn. For me, theraphy is like waking up in bed and what’s happening now is like taking a step out of bed; which is a good thing, but it’s f**k*ng cold.
There’s a realisation; a stinging, an unrelenting sadness that follows you around. It feels like you’re in a House of Mirrors (which is horrifying anyway, without the whole depression thing) but there’s no exit, there’s no Meagan Fox; so you’re forced to stare at awful visions; not of yourself, but of the pain that’s in you.
Then the pain begins its transformation. It starts off as a tiny ember of coal. It burns for a short time then explodes, once the explosion goes off it never ends. It’s like trying to put a jack in a box back it its f**k*ng box but it just keeps jumping out. So now you’re sat in your room, surrounded by pain and you have nowhere to put it. You could call a counselor or a friend (normal and recommended) or you could down a bunch of pills and not have to deal with anything (not normal and definitely not recommended).
ON DIGESTING PAIN:
Digesting pain and sadness is much like eating a bag of jelly beans all to yourself (awesome) then eating another one (not so awesome) then sitting in a scalding hot bath while being watched by your co-workers. It’s overwhelming, uncomfortable and a little bit weird. Depression can stew in your stomach and then seep into your other internal organs. It’s a dark matter that can both fill you up and eat you alive at the same time.
Now, as depressing and awkward as that sounds; it doesn’t stop you from doing anything. You can still walk around your work place using your face hole to say sh*t like "what’s our wildly important goal?' and "can we circle back on this?’ Hell, it doesn’t even stop you from attending pre-work peps talks -- what is does stop you from doing is feeling. I was blocked from feeling empathy, sympathy any-athy and once you stop feeling; well, then you can start doing some really hurtful sh*t.
There are various parts to depression that manifest differently. The main one with me is suicide. I have attempted suicide three times now. The first time landed me in therapy; loved ones stopped the second and I called someone after my third attempt(which was about a week ago now) When gripped by depression, I don’t "contemplate" suicide -- I find this term rather funny. I imagine a contemporary of Shakespeare, narrowing his eyes as he looks out the window and twiddles his quill (not a euphemism) while "contemplating" the notion of suicide. Unfortunately, I don’t got that kind of time. Suicide envelops me, fast. I’m impelled by it, it consumes my mind and I react to it much like how a runner reacts to a starting gun.
It’s important to note here that "I did not want to die." (I still don’t) I just don’t want to feel my feelings anymore and the only way my mind knew how to deal with that was suicide. "This is not the right answer to any problem" -- EVER. However, that’s the hard thing about having depression live in you, it can often fog your judgment or sometimes, just black you out altogether. Not having control of your mind is terrifying, especially when it comes to matters of self-harm.
It’s around this point where I’d write about what the correct thing to do would be; but to be honest, I still don’t have a clue. All I know is that I wouldn’t wish this pain on anybody. If I did take my own life I would in fact, be leaving all that pain with somebody else, probably several people, people who love me. That pain wouldn’t simply go away; but would instead, infect others and live on for many years. That is not a legacy I would like to leave.
ON LETTING PAIN GO:
My current status is crying. Everyone cries for all sorts of reasons or for no reason at all. I am currently spending my days expelling pain from my body through crying. It feels like it’s coming out of all orifices. The tears may be coming out of my eyes but I can also feel a steam of emotion rising from my skin. Sometimes it hurts so much I vomit. I don’t feel sorry for myself and I have no reason to. I did this to me, not you. Even though these tears are filled with pain, they’re coming out and making room for joy, happiness, and empathy.
Right now I’m just a bit dazed. I’m not who I should be, which is unsettling at best. I like to think of this part as a mini transformation where the crying is a sort of skin-shedding (*fights urge to write an onion analogy*) and that, in a matter of time, I’ll be in a new level of depression. Until then, I think not wanting to die and crying is a good start, and that my depression will disappear into the sunset. Either that or it will release itself from my body like the chest burster in that Sigourny Weaver movie Alien.
“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out -- but to see who cares enough to break them down.”
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